Once Upon A Time: “The Tower” (S3Ep14)

This episode of Once Upon A Time wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. Really nothing happened. It did introduce a non-white princess but much like our other non-white characters — Lancelot, Mulan — she seems like we are never going to see her again. After the amazing amount of SwanQueen last week, we spent most of this week focusing on Charming (Josh Dallas) and Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin).

For some reason, we start this episode with Charming running through the palace in the Enchanted Forest. He then gets to Emma’s (Jennifer Morrison) nursery. He keeps going on about how he this can’t be happening and it can’t be real. And then something that really shouldn’t be happening happens

1 gross

Take that off and go find your red jacket

They have a weird dancing scene, then Emma gets pulled into the wardrobe while telling him to not fail the replacement baby. He wakes up in the Enchanted Forest because that was all a dream. Apparently, he and Snow, with Regina (Lana Parrilla) maybe, have taken back the kingdom by this point. He is greeted by Snow, who tells him she is pregnant.

2

Well, duh

But ignore how pregnant Snow is in that scene because nine month later in Storybrooke, the Charmings, Regina and Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) are in Mary Margret’s apartment trying to figure out what to do about the Wicked Witch/Zelena (Rebecca Mader) being in Storybrooke. Emma and Charming, who I guess forgot he isn’t a real cop, are going to go search Regina’s office for evidence and Regina is going to go protect Henry (Jared Gilmore), who still has no idea what is going on. In their only scene together this week, Emma tells Regina to remember that Henry still thinks she is just the mayor. Regina tells her she doesn’t need to be reminded.

3 flirt

Still enough time for Regina to get a flirt in

In some other part of Storybrooke, Zelena goes into the storm cellar she is keeping Rumple (Robert Carlyle) in. She did a bunch of awkward threatening/flirting while also telling him about her father. It might have been the worst sexual situation ever portrayed on this show. It was all very strange, but the only important things were that Zelena has his dagger and Rumple might be crazy.

4 idk

I don’t know what to say, I’m uncomfortable

Zelena then goes to Mr. Gold’s shop, which Belle (Emilie de Ravin) is manning. Zelena is all nice to her and says she is looking for a baby gift for Snow. Remember how that idiot befriended her last episode? Zelena then freezes Belle and steals something out of one of the cabinets.

Over in Regina’s office, Emma, her dad and his boyfriend are searching for evidence. Charming finds berries from a footprint that only grow in a certain part of the woods. He knows this because David worked at the animal shelter. Wow, OUAT that was more than a season ago you can remember that far back? Nothing really happened this episode, so I spent most of the time remembering its flaws and getting caught up in the subtext. Emma and Hook head out to the woods and Charming goes back to meet the midwife Snow hired.

5 hooking

But I’m hotter than you wife, mate

In the meeting with the midwife/Zelena, Charming is still all worried that he is going to be a terrible parent the second time around and Zelena crushes up whatever she stole from Mr. Gold’s shop and puts it in his tea.

Back in the Enchanted Forest nine months ago, Charming finds Rapunzel’s tower in the woods. I can’t remember how or why, this was the part of the episode where my gay friend and I were trying to convince our straight friend that SwanQueen exists.

6

Racial diversity= character’s damnation

Rapunzel tells Charming that she was haunted by her greatest fear, not being able to be as great a leader as her parents are, and then a hooded creature chased her into a tower. He is currently being haunted by his greatest fear, failing as a parent..twice. Charming says he will break her out but then the wraith-looking creature attacks.

Back in Storybrooke, Regina and Henry are walking around a lake, which is another part of town that randomly appeared in season three. Henry is telling her about his life in New York and then ends up creating an excellent SwanQueen subtext scene. He tells her that he thinks Emma took him to Storybrooke because she rejected her boyfriend’s proposal. Regina had an excellent “oh” reaction to hearing that Emma had a serious boyfriend in her absence. Henry said he liked monkey man because he made Emma happy and it would be nice to have more than two people at dinner on holidays. Regina tells him soon he will have lots of family.

7

As soon as your mom and I get married break the curse

OK, this post is getting too long for an episode in which nothing important really happened. Zelena can make someone’s greatest fear into another version of themselves. We find this out as Charming is simultaneously fighting a cloaked Rapunzel while protecting Rapunzel in the Enchanted Forest and another version of himself in Storybrooke.

The show is keeping the stupid love triangle alive with hints being dropped that Neal (Michael Raymond-James) might be in Storybrooke and Emma and Hook getting this close in the woods:

8

Luckily, they didn’t kiss

Everyone knows the Wicked Witch has the power to make the greatest fear twin, but nobody knows what she looks like. Also, Rumple escaped and everyone knows about it.

9

And Regina is happy about it

Overall, I’m starting to get worried that the plot is spilling away again and Neal is back next week. I’m sure with lots of story lines nobody cares about to follow him. I told you guys I would be complaining by late March.

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