Once Upon A Time: “Bleeding Through” (S3Ep18)

For a while I thought the only things I was going to like about this episode of Once Upon A Time was Regina’s (Lana Parrilla) outfits, but it actually had some good twists and the return of Young Cora (Rose McGowan) so it wasn’t all bad.

We start at Regina’s house as Zelena (Rebecca Mader) appears in her dining room. Zelena starts going on about how Regina has everything and never appreciates it or takes risks. Zelena jokes that she is giving her sisterly advice for a second, until she just tells her — because hiding your motives wouldn’t make you a better villain or anything — and tells Regina she is there to make sure Regina isn’t around Robin Hood (Sean Maguire) and his man so Rumple (Robert Carlyle) can steal her heart.

1 only reason

This dress is my favorite part of the episode

SM Mary PoppinsSherlock Holmes

And she is still dressing like an S&M Mary Poppins/Sherlock Holmes

Over in the woods, Robin and his band of L.L Bean models have circled Rumple. Robin has his arrow that never misses its target pointed at him. Rumple taunts him like the good ol’ Dark One, which is funny until Roland runs in. Robin shots the arrow at Rumple, but he stops it and turns it toward Roland while saying he doesn’t want to but he will. Robin then folds and gives Regina’s heart to Rumple. Wow, Robin you had it less than a day unlike that other person who has had it for three seasons.

3 but im so cute

But, I’m so cute.

Regina arrives too late to do anything. Robin apologizes and she says he doesn’t need to because you know her and kids. She then goes to Gold’s shop, which Belle (Emilie de Ravin) is still manning. Regina and her have a good sass-off and Regina apologizes as they search for the candlestick that Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) used to kill Cora. Belle has also been trying to work out what spell Zelena is trying to cast because she is the smartest person in Storybrooke.

In the Enchanted Forest before “The Miller’s Daughter”, Young Cora is working at the one tavern and bumps into the guy she has apparently being courting with for a while. Great, another intra-racial straight love story. All the dudes in this show can be classified as average-looking white guy and this one proposes to Cora.

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He is also a prince, of course

Anyway back in Storybrooke, Emma is wearing the same shade of blue as Regina was earlier and is gathered at a circular table with her parents and Hook (Colin O’Donoghue). Regina, wearing a very low cut shirt, thanks them all for coming and pours them all poisoned tea. She says it is part of a spell to connect with Cora and try and stop Zelena. Zelena told Regina her weakness was not knowing enough about her past so Regina intends on finding out by contacting Cora.

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You changed our matching outfits, but that shirt do0

Zelena already has Regina’s heart and Charming’s (Josh Dallas) courage and she needs Rumple’s brain and Snow’s baby to complete the curse. She does a super weird half date thing with Rumple to get his brain. I don’t know or care, back to Snow and Regina having a heart to heart.

Emma, Regina, the Charmings and Hook light the candle and join hands. Regina says they will be able to talk to the dead, Cora, because they have the murder weapon and the murderer. Snow takes slight offense to that but Regina looked embarrassed about having to say it so it’s all cool. They are able to open a portal to the afterlife(?), but Cora will not answer Regina and shes cries about it a little bit and it was excellent and Lana Parrilla is the best thing about this show.

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Back in the Enchanted Forest, Cora’s bland-prince guy didn’t show up to their wedding. She finds him and sees that isn’t really a prince but a gardener dickhead. He throws her to the ground then storms off. She is helped by Prince Leopold, Snow’s dad and Regina’s husband. That was actually a good twist. But, of course to make the familial relations of this show even crazier, Young Cora and Leopold fall for each other even through he is engaged to Princess Eva, Snow’s mom.

7

Could we twist the family tree some more?

Cora and Leopold are about to get married, but Eva overhead Cora having an argument with Average White Guy about her being pregnant. He just leaves again. But, once Leopold finds out Cora is disgraced, the wedding is off and she is forced to give up baby Zelena. Snow is able to find this all out by — I’m not kidding — the ghost of Young Cora possessing her. As ridiculous as it was, it was also very cute because Regina did everything she could to protect Snow, which showed that OUAT has finally acknowledged how much Regina has grown over the last three seasons.

Regina and Snow also have a pair of excellent scenes of them just talking about what has happened between them. Regina apologizes for everything she did to her. Snow apologizes for telling her mother about Daniel. Regina says she was only a child and says she sorry that Snow had to find out her mom effed over Cora, because she always thought her mom was a great person. It was all very cute.

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Is now a bad time to tell you I’m sleeping with your daughter?

Regina is able to save Snow just as Emma, Charming and Belle burst in. Belle says she has figured out that Zelena is attempting a time travel spell, which no one has ever done before. For some reason, Snow and Charming’s baby is the key. Snow thinks that Zelena is going to chance the past by killing Eva so Cora could have married Leopold. With the knowledge from the flashback scenes, everyone realizes if Zelena succeeds Snow, Regina, Emma and Henry would have never been born.

Over at Zelena’s house, Rumple kisses her to try to get her dagger. It was awkward and weird, but still not the worst kiss in this episode.

After spending her entire day working with the Charmings, having a heart-to-heart with Snow and wearing matching colors and handing hands with Emma, Regina listens to what Snow said about her heart finding the right person and not letting anything hold her back. So, she goes to the woods and finds Robin Hood. And then she kisses him.

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Because of course she does. She kisses her average-looking white guy, just like everyone does on this show. Though I love starting at Lana Parrilla’s face and shipping SwanQueen, all jokes aside for a second I’m kind of sick of this show and its heterosexual-true-love-leads-to-marriage-leads-to-babies values. I’m not going to stop watching the show, because I love making it as gay as possible and reading too much into the unintentional subtext, but the show is starting to concern me in terms of LGBT characters’ presence on television. Just read what Kate from Autostraddle said she explains it better.

I’ll see you next week for more SwanQuenn jokes.

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