Once Upon A Time: “Siege Perilous” (S5Ep3)

It usually takes a few episodes for Once Upon A Time seasons to get this terrible, but season five is breaking the record in sucking this much in episode three. Like last week, this episode is not worthy of a full post so here are three good things and six bad things about “Siege Perilous.”

The Good 


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Despite him being alive three seasons after we were told he was dead, I am glad Lancelot (Sinqua Walls) is back. I liked him, but that was because he was in season 2A, which was the last good half season. So, I give the show about four episodes before it totally ruins his character. But, whatever. Having him be the person to introduce the fact that Arthur (Liam Garrigan) might be the bad guy was a good move. Lancelot was always an honest trustworthy character, who helped our main cast.

Hook doesn’t love Emma anymore

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This isn’t only about my anti-Captain Swan feels. I like that Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) doesn’t like the Dark One version of Emma (Jennifer Morrison). He says she isn’t the same and not the girl he went on that annoyingly re-enacted date with. Hook can’t see past the Dark One label and see that the Emma he loves is still there. But, last week Regina (Lana Parrilla, who had a tragically small amount of screen time this episode) told Emma she knows the normal, savior her is still there and she can tell because she knows her better than Hook does. This is a love triangle, right? This is really sounding like a love triangle.

The last five minutes

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This seems to happen a lot with this show. The majority of an episode is terrible but the last five minutes is good. So after Lancelot randomly reappears and warns Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) that Arthur might be bad, we find out that he is. He hid the magic Mario mushroom from Charming (Josh Dallas), he lied about having a magic bean and he conned a servant into lying for him, taking the fall and then poisoned him. I was so quick to agree with all the fans that thought Guinevere (Joana Metrass) would be the surprise villain because she is a non-white woman, so I did not see this coming. As the show seemed to establish with that sonogram photo scene with Hook and Robin (Sean Maguire), Arthur would not know what security cameras, which are all over the sheriff station as we found out last season, are. If that does not come into play at some point, I’m going to be mad.

The Bad

Everything with Arthur and Charming 

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You know what I don’t want to see on this show? Two bland white dudes running around looking for a magical Mario mushroom. Regina and Belle (Emilie da Ravin) figured out they needed the Mario mushroom to communicate across dimensions with Tree-Merlin, couldn’t they have come along to find it? So, watching two characters I don’t care about run through a lame Lord of the Rings dead marshes rip off for apparently no reason, until the too late in the episode reveal that Arthur stole the mushroom to smoke it himself as my dad commented to protect Camelot was stupid.

Does Arthur really not know who they are? 

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In Camelot, Charming — who is still being called David for some reason — has a long explanation of how King Arthur is a legend in our world and that is how he knows about him and his round table. But, he adds about two seconds later that he and Snow know Lancelot because the Enchanted Forest and Camelot are basically neighboring kingdoms. So, why does Arthur not know who they are? Lancelot clearly did before he met them back in season two. Also, Arthur knights Charming as Sir David (isn’t his real name James?) of the Enchanted Forest, which doesn’t make any sense because he is already the King of the Enchanted Forest. And what was with Arthur whole explanation for the circular table meaning equality and Charming being surprised that Arthur, as the King, didn’t have a special seat? Charming, that has been your and Snow’s set up since the beginning of the show and in the alternate reality four episodes again. Just an hint of continuity would be nice, OUAT.

This fucking chase scene 

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Where the hell is this taking place? Storybrooke isn’t that big. Why does that dude have the apparently only horse the curse brought over? Why isn’t it in the stables? Storybrooke has stables. Also, King Arthur can drive a truck? That is an interesting skill for you to have, person who has lived in Camelot until like three days ago.

You are not the sheriff!

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Charming, you are not the sheriff. Your daughter was elected sheriff back when Storybrooke had some actual structure as a functioning town. You, a pet shelter worker in the cursed realty, made yourself sheriff after your daughter, who has actual experience in law enforcement, fell through a portal. Call yourself the town guard or the legal authority of Storybrooke, but not the sheriff, you idiot.

The CGI 

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Arendelle was bad, but Camelot might be worse. The castle establishing shot looks like the graphics from the Spyro the Dragon PlayStation One game. And there was so much unnecessary CGI in Arthur round table room. The weapons on the wall, the candles, the chairs, the weird 9th grade volcano project table center piece (my dad’s snark was on point this episode). You are a widely successful network television show, OUAT. You can’t afford to buy candles?

Hero Rumple 


Just no. Emma needs a hero to pull Excalibur from the stone. “A hero” is all that Hallucination Rumple (Robert Carlyle) said. Hey you know who we spent all last season establishing as a hero? Regina! Later, Emma tells Rumple it has to be someone with a pure heart. So, like the heart of the truest believer? You know, Henry (Jared Gilmore)? But sure show, let’s “clear the heart” of our former dark one and make this lying, manipulative, borderline abusive asshole our new hero because you know there isn’t a person Emma would have thought of before this.

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See you next week.

Once Upon A Time: “Lady of The Lake”

 Grade: A

Airdate: 10/14/12

After giving us only a minute and a half of Emma (Jennifer Morrison) and Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) in last week’s episode of Once Upon A Time, the show made up for it in this episode. Their story line and everyone else’s, except Cora’s, played into this week’s theme: parents put their children first, as said by Charming’s mom, Ruth.

Normally, the show is divided into two story lines: what is happening in Storybrooke and what is happening in the Fairytale World. This week we had past and present story lines in the Fairytale World and Storybrooke.

The episode starts with Charming (Josh Dallas) and Snow’s camp being invaded by King George’s army. I hope we get to see more of how Charming and Snow retook the kingdom because that hasn’t really been explained yet. Charming and Snow split up and agree to meet at his mother’s cabin. Snow is quickly captured by Lancelot, played by Sinqua Walls.

He takes her to King George, who decides cursing her so she can’t have children is a worse punishment for Charming than killing her. Obviously  this curse has to be lifted but I was sad watching Snow cry a little bit about it. The King released her and Lancelot turns on the king, finds her and agrees to go to the cabin with her because the king is sending men their capture Charming and his mother, Ruth, played by Gabrielle Rose.

Jumping into the future in the Fairytale World, we rejoin Emma and Snow in the dungeon. Snow wakes up just in time to tell Emma that Cora (Barbara Hershey) is more dangerous than Regina and that they can’t trust her. Snow spends a lot of time looking out for and protecting Emma this episode. “Parents put their children first.” They are taken out of the dungeon to speak with the leader of the remaining members of the Fairytale World, which turns out to be Lancelot.

Snow tells him that she and Emma need to find  a portal back to Storybrooke. Snow decides the wardrobe that Emma was sent through is the best place to start. So, they head off with Mulan (Jamie Chung) to fight through the ogres to get to the palace. Aurora (Sarah Bolger) still blames Snow for Phillip’s death and seems to be plotting to kill her. Yeah go see how that works out for you, Sleeping Beauty. I love that the show is playing up that Aurora is the worst Disney Princess and I still love her being paired with Mulan, who treats her like an annoying little sister the whole episode. “Sisters put their younger sisters first?”

Snow and Lancelot get to Charming and Ruth shortly after she has been shot with an arrow by King George’s men. The three of them take her to the lake with the siren that Charming got the magic water from in hopes that it can save Ruth. When they get there only one drop is left. Snow has told Ruth, but no one else, about King George’s curse, which could also be cured by the water. Ruth tells Snow that she should take it because Charming has always wanted a family. “Parents put their children first.”

Ruth and Lancelot trick Charming and Snow that Ruth drank the water. Instead, Ruth had him put it in the wedding cup after Snow decides to have Lancelot marry her and Charming before Ruth dies. Snow doesn’t find out until after Ruth died and thanks Lancelot for it.

Back in present day Fairytale World, Snow has to save Emma from an ogre attack and Emma has one of many “my mom is a bad-ass” moments. They eventually reach the palace and the wardrobe is still there. Snow says that they will have to get it back to the safe haven to see if anyone can get it to work. Just than Lancelot walks in and says he can help. But after slipping up and telling them something Emma only told Cora, we discover that Lancelot has been dead for a while and he is actually shape-shifting Cora.

Emma, Snow and Mulan work together to fight of Cora. But, Emma is forced to burn the wardrobe to get Cora to leave. She apologizes to Snow saying that she couldn’t let Cora get to Henry (Jared Gilmore). Snow pretty much says “parents put their children first” to Emma, which causes a really cute and incredibly well acted scene of Emma crying and telling Snow that nobody has ever put her first before. And Snow did and still is. Emma doesn’t have a lot of emotional stuff, but when it happens it is always my favorite part of the episode.

I know I left Storybrooke out of this post, but nothing really happened. It was mostly just Henry trying to get Charming to let him help find a way to get Emma and Snow back. It was similar to season one episodes of him trying to convince Emma to let him help. In the end Charming did and decided to teach him how to sword fight. I don’t think it is possible for Charming to be any cuter. In one episode, we watched him cry over his mother dying, get super excited about having a child and buy his grandson swords.

The episode ended with King George/Albert Spencer, played by Alan Dale, sitting in his car watching Charming sword fight with Henry. “Parents put their children first?”