Once Upon A Time: “Mother” (S4Ep21)

Oh, where do I even start with this episode? It had a lot of Regina, both in Storybrooke and in flashbacks. But in a testament to how terribly written this episode was, not even Lana Parrilla could save it. And to think I was excited when I saw Jane Espenson wrote the episode.

We start in the Enchanted Forest with Regina (Lana Parrilla) and her father. They come upon a group of citizens having a wedding on royal land without Regina’s permission. It is the anniversary of Daniel’s death, so Regina gets rather pissed, more so when her dad questions her in front of her citizens and she takes a dude’s heart and crushes it.

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This episode had a lot of examples of good acting but terrible dialogue. We aren’t actually told when this is, but Regina’s tone and facial expression tell us this is somewhere in between Baby Braids Regina and “I will destroy your happiness” Evil Queen Regina. She storms away, leaving her father, and goes to Daniel’s grave. There is a rose there and Cora (Barbara Hershey) appears behind her. I feel the same way about Cora’s return as I did about Robin’s. She was fairly written off and there is no reason to bring her back. Regina already learned this lesson in season three and wasn’t Cora trapped in Wonderland? She said she got help from The Rabbit, but why did she then go back to get saved by Hook later on?

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Back in the present in New York, Regina is having a beer with Robin (Sean McGuire) at quiet possibly the same bar Emma and Neal did that one time. They are trying to figure out what to do about Marian being Zelena (Rebecca Mader). Robin says they can still be together but Regina says the whole thing is her fault and there will always be that child hanging around. Regina quietly says something about not being able to give Robin a child in here.

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Back at Neal/Robin’s apartment, Adult Lily (Agnes Bruckner) is getting information from Emma. Also, Zelena is just hanging out, making herself tea like she isn’t a murderous psychopath. Then Regina busts in and says they are all going to Storybrooke.

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When they get back, Emma hugs Henry (Jared Gilmore), hugs Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) and sidesteps Snow’s (Ginnifer Goodwin) hug attempt. Emma then introduces Lily to Maleficent (Kristen Bauer van Straten). She is about to cry and Lily really isn’t sure what to think.

Regina then takes Zelena to the cells under the hospital. She gave her that magic cancelling wrist cuff, which I’m surprised the writers even remembered. Regina says she will stay there until she has the baby and maybe then she will kill her. Zelena says she can’t because that would be killing her true love’s child’s mother.

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Meanwhile, Rumple (Robert Carlyle) is stumbling around, having a magic heart attack. His heart is turning completely black, which will turn him Full Dark One with no Rumple to balance it out. Regina had pooffed herself there. She takes the enchanted pen, the Author and tells Rumple she doesn’t give a shit about him. He then collapses.

Regina brings her and the Author to her heart vault. Does her mansion no longer exist? He tells her they have everything they need, but the ink isn’t going to work because it has to be charged with the blood of the Savior at her darkness potential. Regina thinks that over for a moment and then gets an idea of how to get some. Clearly, her plan doesn’t involve hurting Emma in any way.

Back in the Enchanted Forest, Cora tells Regina she is sorry about killing Daniel. She apparently met Tinkerbell at some point and she told her about the man with the lion tattoo, aka her soul mate. Cora promises to find him for Regina. She then goes to Robin Hood’s tavern. She starts talking to Sheriff Nottingham, who is again, all creepy and gross. She tells him he can help her.

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Over at Granny’s, Maleficent is trying her best to bond with Lily. She wants to take revenge on Snow and Charming (Josh Dallas). Maleficent says they should be happy in the present instead of angry about the past. Lily doesn’t like that idea and tries to run off. Her mom tries to stop her saying, if she leaves Stroybrooke she can never return. Lily ignores her and then runs off. The dialogue is so clunky, heavy headed and awkward through this scene. Of course, Kristen Bauer van Straten was still able to act incredibly despite it. Agnes Bruckner was good too. She is very good at capturing Lily in the exact same way Nicole Munoz did. If she was Hispanic too, I might actually like Adult Lily.

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In the Enchanted Forest, Cora gave Sheriff Nottingham a lion tattoo and tries to pass him off as Regina’s soul mate. She buys it as first, but as he gets all pretentious, creepy and gross, she is able to figure out it was magic. She pretty much tortures Cora’s plan out of him. He said Cora wants him to be king so Regina will have a child, but he doesn’t know why.

Regina is able to figure it out that she will have her child and then “die of a mysterious illness” and Cora will become the Queen Regent. Regina makes a potion for herself that will stop her from having a child. Cora tells her not to, that this is stupid and a weak way to get back at her. This is when the dialogue went from just being terrible to uncomfortable. Sure, Sheriff Nottingham was rather rape-y also, but this was coming from Regina, a character we are supposed to like. Cora tells Regina hurting herself is weak and Regina says it isn’t if it causes Cora pain also, which sends a really messed up message about self-harm and suicide. Also, Regina says Cora already decided no one would ever love her so why doesn’t she make it official. Because her ability to be loved is tied to her having children, OUAT?

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Anyway back in Storybrooke, Regina finds Lily at the bus stop. Regina says a few things to piss of Lily, mostly about her darkness and how she must be mad that it really belongs to Emma. Regina then cuts her hand and is able to super charge the magic ink with her blood, which contains the Savior’s greatest potential for darkness. Regina then magics away and Lily’s eyes glow yellow.

For some god damn reason, Maleficent goes to the idiot duo to ask for help about Lily. The three of them go off to find her and run into a horribly CGI’ed Lily in dragon form.

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Over at the docks, Hook tells Emma she should forgive her parents. Emma says it would be easier for her if they had been truthful about their terribleness. They probably said other stuff, but I was too distracted by the utter lack of chemistry between these two. Also, Regina already told Emma all this.

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Maleficent and the idiot duo find Dragon Lily. Then Snow runs at her, I don’t know what she was supposed to be doing. It ended up being an excuse for her to be injured when Emma arrived. She told her she forgave her. It was actually good and reminiscent of season one Emma and Mary Margaret.

Maleficent finds Lily once she is back in human form. They clunk through some more dialogue and Lily agrees to stay for a week, which was also how long Emma said she would stay the first time.

Down in the cells, Regina and the Author go to visit Zelena. Regina had planned to have the Author write Zelena out of the story completely. Zelena says she is like their mother, who pretty much erased Zelena from her life. Regina remembers when Cora told her to stop standing in the way of her own happiness. She realizes she doesn’t need to get rid of Zelena. Robin does not define her happy ending, it is finding a place where she feels like she belongs, which was sweet and cute.

But, the Author says he doesn’t like that idea and sends himself to Rumple. Rumple magics up a book called “Heroes and Villains” and the Author writes “Once upon a time” in it.

If it was better written, I feel like this could have been a good episode. I’m not sure what to expect from the finale next week. This show is great a finales, but it is terrible at two-hour episodes. So, best guesses on how this two-hour finale will go?

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Once Upon A Time: “Heart of Gold” (S4Ep18)

You know what is a great way to make a terrible episode of television, devote most of the story to a character you have already fairly written off.

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Yes, the terrible Robin Hood (Sean McGauire) focused story line did led to a surprising good for Once Upon A Time twist that brought back a character I felt like had been unfairly written off. But, that doesn’t mean this episode was good, in anyway.

It started with two good scenes but after those we didn’t see Emma (Jennifer Morrison), Snowing (Ginnifer Goodwin, Josh Dallas) or Regina (Lana Parrilla) again until the final scene. After recovering from their curtain rod injury, the Charmings go chasing The Author into the woods. Snowing tries to apologizes to Emma for being terrible since the start of this half season. Jennifer Morrison had the only bit of fantastic acting in this episode as Emma got angry and cried realizing how much her parents have been lying to her and that she is only the savior because her parents took her potential for darkness and put it into someone else. I can’t wait until she finds out it was her first.

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Rumple (Robert Carlyle) finds The Author in the woods and makes a deal with him. He will help him escape the Charmings if he writes him and the remaining QoD members a happy ending with the magic quill he has. He agrees and they poof away. Rumple ends up back in the heart vault with Regina. He tells her she will do everything he wants her to. He doesn’t explain but hands her a post-it with Robin’s phone number and a phone from 2003.

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The majority of our episode takes place in a flashback and in a flashback within in a flashback, all for a character who was written off. So nine weeks ago, Robin, Marian (Christie Lang) and Roland arrive in New York City with the keys to Neal’s apartment, which Regina had for some reason. Whatever, it was stupid. But, not as stupid as this scene:

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We then jump to the Sherwood Forest “many years ago” because you know that is how timelines work. Robin and Marian are running a tavern because Robin can’t continue to be a thief and keep his honor. Sheriff Nottingham comes in, acts really rape-y told Marian and tells Robin he has two days to pay his taxes or he is shutting down the tavern.

Back in New York nine weeks ago, Marian, who is actually a good character despite how poorly the show uses her, tells Robin he is being weird and he should have stayed in Storybrooke with Regina if that is what her really wanted. Robin tells her he loves her and it was the honorable thing to do. Then Rumple randomly shows up, tells them to get out of his son’s apartment and has a heart attack. I wish I was kidding.

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Robin takes him to the hospital. He tells him he needs the incredibly convenient plot device we have never heard of and never will again. This time it is a potion that Rumple apparently has been taking for while that will lighten his blood to keep it following normally despite all the dark deeds he has done. In the Sherwood Forest whenever, The Dark One goes to Robin and asks him to steal it for him from a wicked queen in the land of Oz.

Robin agrees in both timelines. In New York, he breaks into the shop of a guy Zelena (Rebecca Mader) apparently sent to New York to keep an eye on Emma. I guess that flying monkey boyfriend wasn’t enough. He is quickly able to steal it, jump through a window and get back to the apartment. Marian tells him he is acting crazy and maybe they should let Rumple die, because he is the Dark One after all. He says that isn’t honorable.

In the past story line, Robin jumps to Oz. And meet just the person this terrible episode needed:

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Robin and Will (Michael Socha) steal a uniform off a guard and Robin breaks into Zelena’s palace. He finds the potion and some cool looking necklace and runs out. He gets back to Will and then talk about honor and are boring and I wasn’t paying attention. Either Will steals the potion, that can mend a damaged heart, from Robin or Robin let’s him steal it.

When he gets back to his tavern, Robin and his men steal from Sheriff Nottingham and give his money to the poor. This is the start of his Robin Hood days. Marian agrees to stay with him, even though it will be dangerous because she loves him. These two are one of the few straight couples I actually like. Robin actually has chemistry with Marian.

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In New York, Robin goes to the hospital and gives Rumple the potion. Robin then says he never wants to see him again and leaves. Rumple realizes the potion isn’t working. Then Marian walks in and says she switched them because she didn’t want him to survive even though Robin did. He is confused and then Marian pulls out the cool necklace from Oz and transforms into Zelena.

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I was excited to see Zelena back. Mostly she was a problematic villain, with a tendency to just blab her evil plans to anyone who would listen. The show seemed to resolve that in the season three finale just before Rumple killed her. He didn’t kill her. Her life force followed Emma through the portal into the alternate Enchanted Forest. She then kill Marian, sometime when Emma and Hook left her alone, and turned herself into Marian. So Zelena has been Marian for this entire season. Despite all the plot holes that creates, it seemed cool to have her back. Until she opened her mouth and instantly spilled all her plans.

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She is still trying to steal Regina’s happiness by stealing her “true love” away from her. She wants Rumple to help her get her own happy ending and ensure Regina doesn’t. I’m not 100 percent why Zelena keeps telling Robin to go back to Regina. Is she that confident that he won’t?

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Back in present day Storybrooke, Regina calls Robin’s number. Marian/Zelena answers. True to Zelena’s character, she then spills everything and her plans to Regina over the phone. Regina is confused, angry and turns to Rumple to figure out what the hell is going on. He tells her she will do whatever he says to help turn Emma dark or he will give Zelena a call and she will kill Robin.

This episode was terrible, but it did end on two excellent SwanQueen lines of dialogue. Regina tells Rumple, “You made me into a monster, but I will not let you do the same to Emma.” Rumple asks Regina if she would give up true love to save the Savior.

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Once Upon A Time: “Kansas” (S3Ep20)

For an action-filled episode that had the current big bad be defeated and a curse almost cast, this was only an all right episode for Once Upon A Time.

We start this episode with Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) being taken to the hospital by Emma (Jennifer Morrison), Charming (Josh Dallas) and Henry (Jared Gilmore) because after 25 months the baby has decided to come out.

That scene was cut with Rumple (Robert Carlyle) spinning gold for Zelena (Rebecca Mader), which she turns into a brain because he is the Scarecrow of her curse. We then flashback for more Zelena back story and humanizing because the show has been humanizing the crap out of its only villain. She is watching Regina (Lana Parrilla) getting taught to make fireballs by Rumple through that portal thing.

no go back I actually like Baby Braids Regina

No go back! I like Baby Braids Regina.

But no we just get more of this:

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My mom abandoned me. My sister sucks.

OUAT is terrible at having likable sympathetic villains. Except for Regina. But I’m giving all the credit for Regina to Lana Parrilla.

Galinda then walks in and thanks for her turning the Wizard into a monkey. She offers her a place at the Witches Table to meet her real sisters. In actual parallelism and not just a plot reset, Galinda pretty much becomes the Rumple to her Regina. Back in Storybrooke, Zelena is prepping a Buffy-looking spell circle and telling Rumple all about her plans like she has been all season. The last piece she needs is the most innocent person she can find. And what could be more innocent than the baby of the true love idiots?

Snow still hasn’t had the thing, but everyone is gearing up for a battle to protect it. Including Regina and Emma casting a protect spell around her room.

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True love is the most powerful magic

Regina tells Emma she isn’t she sure if her magic is strong enough to defeat Zelena, but she is still their best chance. That is followed by Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) comes to see what is going on. Emma gets mad at him for not telling her about Zelena’s campaign to stop Captain Swan at all costs steal her magic by cursing him. He says he was just trying to protect her.

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Charming texted me and said he was nervous

Emma is able to go off and fight Zelena. Charming insists that she take his boyfriend with her. Emma reluctantly agrees, but goes to say goodbye to Reign and Henry first. Old Herny, who is not as annoying yet, tells Emma he believes in her. Regina tells her to go and she will keep Henry safe.

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#SwanQueenFamily

Emma and Hook pretty walk into a trap because they left all the smart people like Regina and Belle (Emilie de Ravin) behind to protect the idiots. As soon as Emma and Hook get into Zelena’s yard, she forces Rumple to drown Hook in the metal baby pool nearby. Zelena tells Emma to kiss him or he dies. Of course, Emma kisses him. I was mad not only because it was not Regina, but also Emma is the only one with enough light magic to stop the curse.

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God, the Charmings are dumb

Hook was about as angry as I was about Emma giving up her magic to save him. They head back to the hospital to tell the rest of the hero gang not only did they not defeat Zelena they lost the best weapon they had.

Zelena’s flashbacks were rather slow and boring in comparison to all the craziness happening in Storybrooke. Galinda offers Zelena the west seat at the Witches Table, which controls innocence. Galinda said there is a prophecy that a girl brought to Oz by a tornado would take the seat and become the most powerful witch in the land. Galinda thinks it has to be her. Zelena starts to doubt this and gets all jealous when Dorthy arrives and is clearly more innocent than she is and would make a better candidate.

She also finds out that prophecy said the most powerful witch would only raise after defeating the most wicked witch. Zelena gets Dorthy alone by a well and comes at her with a fireball. Dorthy freaks because fireball! She throws the bucket of water on Zelena and she melts. The show does pull a good gag with Dorthy being like dafuq it was only water.  Also, Zelena just faked that she killed her.

Back in Storybrooke, Snow has had her baby but Zelena is marching to the hospital. She quickly knocks out Robin (Sean Maguire) and his band of Mulan-less men. Belle babels on about true love, but Zelena doesn’t have time for her shit. Regina is the last line of defense but she gets throw against the floor because that is a popular thing this season.

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Stop hurting Regina!

Zelena quickly freezes Charming, Snow and Dr. Whale and steals the nameless Charming replacement baby. Then Hook and Emma arrive to tell everyone she lost her magic. Regina is cutely, overly concerned. She says now there is no way to defeat Zelena. Henry tells her she can do. Emma realizes her giving true love’s kiss to Henry was light magic and she can do it. Henry calls her a hero and says he believes in her, which was very cute because he said it to Emma early. And with the amount of chemistry between Regina and Emma in this scene, how do people say there is nothing there? Robin walks in a second later and all I’m thinking is, not even close.

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I hadn’t done a photo of her face yet

Regina, Emma, Charming, Hook and Robin go head over to defeat Zelena. It is a lot more of people getting thrown around by Rumple, until Regina is able to access her light magic and tell Zelena people can change and she isn’t all dark anymore. She knocks her down and takes the ugly ass necklace that contains her magic. Rumple is released from her power, the flying monkeys turn back, Robin gets Regina’s heart and Charming saves replacement baby. But, the hero moment is broken by Rumple trying to kill Zelena.

Regina stops him because her character arch has come full circle. Family trumps all on this show, but also she regrets harming all the people she did and heroes don’t kill people. Zelena looks annoyed and says “So now you’re a hero?”

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Bitch I might be.

So, the Charmings get reunited and Regina talks Zelena to the jail. She tells her she can change and she is going to give her a second chance, which she should use to unmake her evil. But, Regina also says if she doesn’t she will be there to take her heart and crush it.

But, she doesn’t get a chance to do that because the show decides it did so poorly with Regina’s redemption arch that it isn’t even going to try with Zelena. Rumple comes into the jail with his dagger –which he stole from Belle by distracting her by proposing?! — and stabs her in the stomach with it. She then turns to glass and he shatters her.

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And this was the first scene I liked her in

She then turns into green smoke that uses the magic necklace to go to the spell circle thing and open up a portal.

OUAT, you killed off your only villain before the season finale and now are having a portal open, which from the promo, Emma falls in because plot reset. I’m only OK with it if Regina falls through this time too or if Mulan and Aurora are on the other side. And who are we even fighting next week? Rumple? That portal? Diaper rashes? Dafaq, OUAT?


Once Upon A Time: “A Curious Thing” (S3Ep19)

In this episode of Once Upon A Time Regina made out with a guy a bunch, two curses were anti-climatically broken within a few minutes and we found out that the Charmings are more idiotic than we thought. Overall, this episode was a not-that-great mess. But there were a few good SwanQueen Family moments and Regina wore a bunch of Evil Queen dresses so it was OK. I don’t expect much from this show anymore.

Again, we start with someone riding a horse through the woods. This time it was Belle (Emilie de Ravin), who then walks into the palace in the Enchanted Forest to find Regina (Lana Parrilla) trying to convince the Charmings that nobody cares that they are pregnant and they don’t need to announce it. Belle agrees saying there is more important stuff going on Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) like the weird father-son morph thing with Rumple (Robert Carlyle). Aurora (Sarah Bogler) and NotMulan (Julian Morris) are about to agree but then Zelena (Rebecca Mader) comes in and turns them into flying monkeys because why not? Zelena than freezes everyone, says she is going to steal the Emma-replacement baby and flies away.

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Better fate than some minor characters get

Eight months later in the Enchanted Forest, Snow, Charming (Josh Dallas) and Regina have gather their council in that CGI room around what might be a CGI’ed table to see if any one has found any way to defeat Zelena. Being the idiots they are of course not. They realize that Snow and Charming were able to save Emma (Jennifer Morrison) from the first curse because they were warned by Rumple. They decided they need to go find him and see if he can help. With Robin (Sean Maguire) and Belle there to help them they think they can break into Rumple’s castle where he is being held captive by Zelena.

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#sassqueen

Meanwhile in Storybrooke,

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Apparently, these two are finding their second chances in each other. You know because Emma hasn’t been that for Regina for three season!

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Um, hi…

Henry (Jared Gilmore) sees them but he still doesn’t remember that Regina is his mom and cheating on his other mom with this dude she just met. Regina looks super sad after he calls her Madame Mayor. Seriously, SwanQueen and Lana Parrilla’s face are the only reasons I still watch this show.

Regina goes off to meet with the Charmings, who are particularly uncharming to her in this episode. They all realize that to break the curse Henry, this new kid from Brooklyn Henry, needs to believe in magic. Emma says the story book helped her believe. Regina says it must be the key. They don’t know where it went, but Snow says it just appeared to her last time and maybe it will again. So, they go to look through her closet and all the closed jokes blow up Twitter.

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Snow has been pregnant for like two years at this point

Back in the Enchanted Forest, there was a lot of annoying Outlaw Queen flirting/fighting and disgustingly cute Snowing scenes. But apart from all of that the heroes resort to asking a crazy man locked in a cage what to do. Rumple tells them to go find Galinda in some other part of the kingdom because she knows the answers. Not sure why he doesn’t but whatever.

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Regina’s hair looks great though

Back in Storybrooke, Emma and the gang run into Henry in Granny’s. He wants to know what is going on. Emma tries to lie about her doing something for work, but new Henry is even smarter than old Henry and knows that is bullshit. She has to restore to yelling at him, which does not sit so well with the gang especially Regina. Henry storms off than decides he is going to steal Emma’s car– because some idiot taught him how to drive — and go back to New York. But, Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) finds him and takes him to the docks instead.

Over in Mary Margret’s apartment, the gang is searching for the story book. Emma can’t find it in one box, but the Snow finds it a moment after. She questions Emma alone after asking if she doesn’t want Henry to remember. Emma says she forgot how terrible Storybrooke can be sometimes and is considering taking Henry back to New York after they defeat Zelena.

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Obviously Regina is coming too, Mom

Back in the Enchanted Forest, Snow and Charming are able to find Galinda. She tells them all of Zelena’s magic is kept in that ugly ass necklace she has been wearing and only someone with the strongest of light magic can get close enough to destroy it and defeat her. The Charmings realizes that has to be Emma, but she is New York dating that flying monkey. Snow then says they must enact the first curse again, because plot reset. So, these idiots decide to curse themselves. This whole missing year, it’s Snow’s fault!

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We suck

Back in Storybrooke, the gang has the story book and is ready to convince Henry that magic is real. They find him at the docks just as a flying monkey is about to attack him, Hook and Smee. We then get a fight scene that was a little too long for how terrible the CGI is. Henry is pretty much yelling WTF at Emma, but she tells him its magic and he has to believe. She hands him the story book and he just remembers. Well that was stupidly easy. And to make it even stupider, he goes to Regina (after calling her Mom right after he called Emma Mom! #SwanQueenFamily) and she kisses him on the forehead after a short interruption by Zelena. And the missing year returns. Wow, that was way too easy.

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But look at him and his moms

Cut into that scene, is Snow enacting the first curse back in the Enchanted Forest with Charming and Regina’s help. The two idiots have decides it is a good idea to crush Charming’s heart so Snow can get back to Emma and have her defeat Zelena. So, Snow takes out his heart and crushes it into a cauldron. Like I have said before OUAT, stop trying to make dramatic character deaths in these flashback scenes. Clearly, Charming doesn’t stay dead because a year from that scene he is battling terrible CGI monkeys with his daughter, wife and daughter-in-law on a dock in Storybrooke.

Despite all that stupidity, we are reminded that the actresses on this show can actually be good because Snow and Regina have a nice moment of Snow pleading with Regina to replace Charming’s heart with hers. Instead, Regina is able to break Snow’s heart into two and put half in each of them because they are shared one heart for so long. Vomit, you disgustingly cute Disney straightness.

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They also only have one brain between the two of them

Back in Storybrooke, everyone seems to realize that together Emma and Regina will be able to defeat Zelena and stop her from stealing the Charmings’ replace baby. Regina and old Henry have a cute moment of him telling her about New York, but it is ruined by him thinking it is cool that she is dating Robin Hood.

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Betrayal, Henry! You used to be SWEN.

Then this happened:

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And this:

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They were fighting!

And after 20 months of pregnancy, Snow goes into labor.

See you next week.


Once Upon A Time: “The Jolly Roger” (S3Ep17)

I feel like every couple of weeks Once Upon A Time is giving us a ridiculous SwanQueen episode just to keep all of the fans that are totally over the show’s undying straightness happy. This was one of those episodes. There was so much SwanQueen, but there was also a good twist and and a minor character’s return.

We start in the Enchanted Forest after the curse that ended 3a. Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) and some other pirates are trying to steal enough gold and eventually steal back the Jolly Roger. They go to the one tavern and Hook goes outside to be a player or something. I don’t know, I only started paying attention once he was attacked by Ariel (Joanna Gracia Swisher). She says he is going to pay for killing Eric.

Anyway to more important things, Emma (Jennifer Morrison) is wearing a vest over a plaid shirt and helping her dad assemble furniture.

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a.k.a the gayest thing Emma has ever done

Regina thens comes over and says she hasn’t seen Zelena (Rebecca Mader). Emma asks her to start teaching her how to do magic again so they can defeat Zelena together. Regina tells Emma she needs to commit to a magical way of life with her. Emma agrees, because of course, and Regina tells her to meet her in an hour.

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I just want to make like crazy magic with you

Emma tells her parents she is going to drop Henry (Jared Gilmore) off with Hook because 12-year-old boys find metro-sexual pirates fun and unCharming grandparents boring. No joke, trying to be cool grandparents is really Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Charming’s (Josh Dallas) story line this episode.

Smee is getting all pissed at Hook because he won’t tell them what happened during the year they don’t remember, but he seems to remember most of it. Smee wants to know if he got the Jolly Roger back. But, Hook doesn’t have time to answer because Emma has put him on babysitting duty after he tells her she has magic inside her and just needs to be taught how to let it out. Hook tells her that trying to return to your old life after getting your memory back isn’t possible.

Meanwhile, Snowing is having a beach side walk under and umbrella, because ugh. Anyway they run into Ariel, who has washed up on shore. She has been searching and swimming between realms looking for Eric. Back in the Enchanted Forest, she is convinced that Hook took Eric, but he didn’t. It was just someone who has his ship.

Back in Storybrooke, Regina has taken Emma into her family vault to start her magic lessons. Most of the Hook stuff in this episode was boring, but these parts made the rest great. Regina sounds all jealous when she says of course Hook brought Emma back. Emma denies any feelings for him. She acts like an idiot and Regina makes fun of her the whole timw, just like every good SwanQueen fanfic.

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Now kiss!

Emma says she doesn’t think Regina’s nice teaching methods are going to work because this can’t be how Rumple taught her. Regina said it wasn’t he had more of a learn to swim or drown method and she decides to try it out on Emma. She transports her to a rope bridge and starts slowly tearing it down while yelling things at Emma like “no more hand holding” and “it’s inside you”. Oh, this show. Regina takes the bridge completely out, but Emma fells with it. Regina looks heartbroken at the thought that she might have just killed Emma.

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Nothing gay going on here, move along

Emma saves herself, but Regina is slightly disappointed that she didn’t kiss her after that Emma has so much potential and hasn’t been using it.

Then some stuff happened with Hook and Ariel in the Enchanted Forest with him saying he will help her find Eric. He is doing the same in Storybrooke, only because Charming asked him to. But, amiss all this SwanQueen the only important part is this:

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How every looks before they hug their platonic friends

To be honest, I paid very little attention to the rest of the scenes with Hook and Ariel until the big twist. I spent most of their scenes trying to convince my straight friend that Belle and Ariel are a thing. Thank you person in #queerytales who told me Little Beauty is their ship name. They find Eric’s cloak or something and use it to track him. But, it just leads them to the ocean and dives to the bottom. Other stuff happens in the Enchanted Forest and Hook is being a butthead to Ariel. In Storybrooke, he apologies for being a butt to her though she doesn’t remember that he was. Then in an actually good twist (which might not be so great thinking about it now because the show has done with twice with Cora) Ariel turns out to be a shaping-shift Zelena.

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Surprise, bitch

Zelena decided to use Hook’s guilt about being a dick to Ariel and not helping her find Eric against him to figure out who his true love is. Sadly, it’s not Helena Peabody, but Emma. But, I wasn’t too upset by that because Zelena then curses him so that if he kisses Emma her magic will disappear. You know that magic she has been doing with Regina.

Hook goes to tell his boyfriend what happened but instead finds Emma and Regina alone at her parents’ place.  Hook lies to them and says Ariel just went to go find Eric, who was shipwrecked on Hangman’s Island off the coast of the Enchanted Forest. That part is actually turn and Ariel has been there the whole time. Regina makes Emma use a mirror to spy on them so then have no reason to believe Hook is lying. But, he is still nervous about what they will see. Regina seems to enjoy that.

But, sadly Emma thinks Hook helped Ariel find Eric and Regina is not so happy about that. As much as I was annoyed by Emma being all gooey over Hook’s kindness, I did love that this scene seemed be to placing Regina and Hook at different points of Emma’s love triangle. If only the show was doing that on purpose.

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You stay back there, Hook

But who cares about the love triangle being an accident, because Snow and Charming come home with Henry and then invite Emma and Reigna (!) to dinner. They finally invited her to dinner!

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SwanQueen Family!

I loved the majority of this episode, which usually means next week is going to suck. Apparently the gang is going to have to bring Cora (looks like Rose McGown, not Barbra Hershey) back to live to help them. Hopefully, it’s good.


Once Upon A Time: “It’s Not Easy Being Green” (S3Ep16)

As I have said multiple times Once Upon A Time is really bad at humanizing its villains way too quickly. The show has finally decided that Regina (Lana Parrilla) is not a villain anymore. So the show gave us a new villain, Zelena (Rebecca Mader). But, three episode after we met her the show decided to humanize her and try to make us feel empathy for her. Though she is trying to kill Regina through this whole episode.

So this leads us into the opening of Disney’s Hercules. An elderly couple finds a baby in a basket that come out of a green tornado, she then instantly uses magic and freaks out the couple. But, they decide to raise her as their own daughter.

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And that’s the gospel truth

We then have a very long funeral scene for that character hardly anyone cares about, cut with Zelena taunting the crap out of Neal’s dad, Rumple (Robert Carlyle). Apparently everything she did to Neal (Michael Raymond-James) and Belle (Emilie de Ravin) was really to get at Rumple and he seems pretty upset about everything.

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I don’t have time for this

Back in Oz in Zelena’s past, we see that her dad was a meanie and didn’t allow her to use magic. After her mother died, he becomes even more of a dick and tells her she isn’t really their daughter. She decides to go find out where she is from and doesn’t even sing about it.

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I can go the distance

Back in Storybrooke, everyone is having a wake for Neal in a once again Ruby-less Granny’s. Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) stands awkwardly close to Emma (Jennifer Morrison) takes about his time spent with teenage Neal. He agrees to tell Henry (Jared Gilmore) about his dad, of course Hook is super dumb about it and doesn’t think to tell Henry he was childhood friends with Neal. This Henry is far more realistic, but he is just as smart.

Much like the events in Granny’s that happen every half-season, lots of other stuff is going on. Regina is sitting awkwardly at the bar, staring at Robin Hood’s (Sean Magurie) tattoo. Tink (Rose McIver) then comes up and is like, ‘hey your true love. Why didn’t you tell me?’ Well, Tink the writers forgot about you for a while so this is the first time we have seen you in 3b. Regina says she is too nervous to talk to him. Before she can start to process her feelings about Emma with her ex-girlfriend, Zelena bursts in with Rumple’s dagger and challenges Regina to the show-down we saw in the promo. Regina doesn’t remember meeting her in the Enchanted Forest, so Zelena tells her all about them being sisters in an awesome sass throw down.

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Regina is enjoying this way too much

Back in Oz, Zelena goes and finds the Wizard. He tells her all about Regina and that Cora gave her up because she wanted her to be royalty. Zelena sees Rumple teaching Regina to use magic and wants to be taught herself because she is more powerful. The Wizard gives her the slippers, which are silver like they originally were in the book but I think most of the fans don’t realize that. Zelena uses the slippers to click herself to the Enchanted Forest and quickly impresses Rumple more than baby-braids Regina was.

Back in Storybrooke, Regina is looking through Cora’s stuff because Zelena told her to. She finds a letter but doesn’t read it out loud and then storms off past Emma and Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin), who is there for some reason. Regina runs off into the woods to read it and Robin Hood finds her.

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What? I’m just following you around town. It’s not creepy

Regina asks if the Charmings sent him to give her a pep-talk because she knows that is something her in-laws would do. But sadly, Robin is there because he has been stalking her. She gives him the letter and it is Rumple telling Cora that he finally got his hands on her first born. I’m reluctant to give this show any credit for continuity, so it was probably by accident. But, didn’t Rumple tell young Cora he would one day get her first born. I always thought that was fulfilled because Regina ended up becoming his student, but really it was because Zelena did too and she was far more loyal to Rumple and started seeing him as a father. Did this show actually do a long, thought-out plot twist? Maybe, but let’s get back to it being anti-climatic and shoving straightness down our throats.

So, Regina tells Robin she always used to read the letter and believe that she was a special. He is very nice, despite being dressed like an H&M model, and they are rather cute together. I really wanna hate it, but Lana Parrilla is so good in this scene worrying about Zelena being more powerful than her.

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Now, where in Storybrooke could you buy that outfit?

Back in Oz, Rumple is training Zelena. Rumple tells her about the curse, but says Regina has to cast it. She can’t because Rumple knows he is what she loves most and that would kinda defeat the purpose for him. Zelena is carrying on about how Regina got everything while Cora abandoned her. It would be sad if Zelena wasn’t supposed to be filling the villain spot on this show. Give her a few more episodes and she is just going to become another misunderstood hero. Also Rumple cursed her so that she is literally turning green with envy. Really, OUAT? That is why?

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Zero to Hero

Before the major showdown, we have a Rumbelle scene to show us that Zelena can make Rumple do anything. Belle finds him in the cage and tells him she isn’t afraid. But, he starts to go all dark one and Belle runs away the best she can in those ridiculous shoes.

Across town, everyone has gathered for the showdown. But, Regina isn’t there yet. Zelena says she must be a coward. Emma isn’t going to take Zelena insulting Regina and stands up for her and then agrees to fight in place, like a god damn Betty McRae in shining gay armor. Snow even smiled and looked all proud about it!

Regina does show up and there is more sassing than fighting. Zelena throws her into the clock tower and tries to take her heart. But as Regina says, she learned from their mom and doesn’t keep her heart inside her chest. Zelena says she will find it and take everything from Regina. Then she flies away on a broom.

The Charmings run into the clock tower after Regina and she tells them what happened. Since she wants Regina’s heart and already took Charming’s (Josh Dallas) courage, they think she is collecting these for a curse.

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Snow already doesn’t have a brain in Storybrooke, so Emma’s Dorothy.

Regina goes running back into the woods after the fight. She had buried her heart again and left Robin to guard it. She says she sometimes doesn’t see what is right in front of her and then asks Robin to keep her heart a bit longer.  Yeah, it was cute and nice. But, I’m going to view this whole thing as Regina using Robin’s fancy toward her to her advantage.

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It’s called a beard

Anyway, the episode ends with Zelena finding the wizard and it turns out to be NotRegina/Emma’s flying monkey boyfriend. So, that was Zelena’s fault. She also tells Rumple she isn’t casting a curse but a second chance.

Overall, the episode was all right. Obviously, I’m on the wrong side to be enjoying any of the canon ships but there was a lot of great sass from Regina.

 


Once Upon A Time: “The Tower” (S3Ep14)

This episode of Once Upon A Time wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. Really nothing happened. It did introduce a non-white princess but much like our other non-white characters — Lancelot, Mulan — she seems like we are never going to see her again. After the amazing amount of SwanQueen last week, we spent most of this week focusing on Charming (Josh Dallas) and Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin).

For some reason, we start this episode with Charming running through the palace in the Enchanted Forest. He then gets to Emma’s (Jennifer Morrison) nursery. He keeps going on about how he this can’t be happening and it can’t be real. And then something that really shouldn’t be happening happens

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Take that off and go find your red jacket

They have a weird dancing scene, then Emma gets pulled into the wardrobe while telling him to not fail the replacement baby. He wakes up in the Enchanted Forest because that was all a dream. Apparently, he and Snow, with Regina (Lana Parrilla) maybe, have taken back the kingdom by this point. He is greeted by Snow, who tells him she is pregnant.

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Well, duh

But ignore how pregnant Snow is in that scene because nine month later in Storybrooke, the Charmings, Regina and Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) are in Mary Margret’s apartment trying to figure out what to do about the Wicked Witch/Zelena (Rebecca Mader) being in Storybrooke. Emma and Charming, who I guess forgot he isn’t a real cop, are going to go search Regina’s office for evidence and Regina is going to go protect Henry (Jared Gilmore), who still has no idea what is going on. In their only scene together this week, Emma tells Regina to remember that Henry still thinks she is just the mayor. Regina tells her she doesn’t need to be reminded.

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Still enough time for Regina to get a flirt in

In some other part of Storybrooke, Zelena goes into the storm cellar she is keeping Rumple (Robert Carlyle) in. She did a bunch of awkward threatening/flirting while also telling him about her father. It might have been the worst sexual situation ever portrayed on this show. It was all very strange, but the only important things were that Zelena has his dagger and Rumple might be crazy.

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I don’t know what to say, I’m uncomfortable

Zelena then goes to Mr. Gold’s shop, which Belle (Emilie de Ravin) is manning. Zelena is all nice to her and says she is looking for a baby gift for Snow. Remember how that idiot befriended her last episode? Zelena then freezes Belle and steals something out of one of the cabinets.

Over in Regina’s office, Emma, her dad and his boyfriend are searching for evidence. Charming finds berries from a footprint that only grow in a certain part of the woods. He knows this because David worked at the animal shelter. Wow, OUAT that was more than a season ago you can remember that far back? Nothing really happened this episode, so I spent most of the time remembering its flaws and getting caught up in the subtext. Emma and Hook head out to the woods and Charming goes back to meet the midwife Snow hired.

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But I’m hotter than you wife, mate

In the meeting with the midwife/Zelena, Charming is still all worried that he is going to be a terrible parent the second time around and Zelena crushes up whatever she stole from Mr. Gold’s shop and puts it in his tea.

Back in the Enchanted Forest nine months ago, Charming finds Rapunzel’s tower in the woods. I can’t remember how or why, this was the part of the episode where my gay friend and I were trying to convince our straight friend that SwanQueen exists.

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Racial diversity= character’s damnation

Rapunzel tells Charming that she was haunted by her greatest fear, not being able to be as great a leader as her parents are, and then a hooded creature chased her into a tower. He is currently being haunted by his greatest fear, failing as a parent..twice. Charming says he will break her out but then the wraith-looking creature attacks.

Back in Storybrooke, Regina and Henry are walking around a lake, which is another part of town that randomly appeared in season three. Henry is telling her about his life in New York and then ends up creating an excellent SwanQueen subtext scene. He tells her that he thinks Emma took him to Storybrooke because she rejected her boyfriend’s proposal. Regina had an excellent “oh” reaction to hearing that Emma had a serious boyfriend in her absence. Henry said he liked monkey man because he made Emma happy and it would be nice to have more than two people at dinner on holidays. Regina tells him soon he will have lots of family.

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As soon as your mom and I get married break the curse

OK, this post is getting too long for an episode in which nothing important really happened. Zelena can make someone’s greatest fear into another version of themselves. We find this out as Charming is simultaneously fighting a cloaked Rapunzel while protecting Rapunzel in the Enchanted Forest and another version of himself in Storybrooke.

The show is keeping the stupid love triangle alive with hints being dropped that Neal (Michael Raymond-James) might be in Storybrooke and Emma and Hook getting this close in the woods:

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Luckily, they didn’t kiss

Everyone knows the Wicked Witch has the power to make the greatest fear twin, but nobody knows what she looks like. Also, Rumple escaped and everyone knows about it.

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And Regina is happy about it

Overall, I’m starting to get worried that the plot is spilling away again and Neal is back next week. I’m sure with lots of story lines nobody cares about to follow him. I told you guys I would be complaining by late March.


Once Upon A Time: “Witch Hunt” (S3Ep13)

I was excited going into this episode of Once Upon A Time. It was a little bit of mess last week but it was still alright. I knew Emma (Jennifer Morrison) and Regina (Lana Parrilla) were going to have scenes together this week, but I did not think it was going to be this much and it was great. But aside from the SwanQueen stuff — probably all thanks to Jane Espenson — this episode was well done and had a few good twists in it.

We start with the Wicked Witch of the West/Elphaba/Zelena (Rebecca Mader) rummaging through Regina’s stuff and trying on her clothes in her palace. She then tells a flying monkey to find the Evil Queen and let her know that she is there.

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(Insert Wicked reference)

Outside the palace, the gang is still searching for a way in. There are a couple minor conversations but now of them really matter expect one because:

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Ruby’s back!

OK, the other ones are important too. Regina figures out a way to get into the palace. There are tunnels that go under the palace so she can sneak in underneath the protection spell, get inside and cast away the spell. Then Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Charming (Josh Dallas) can lead the army inside to defeat whoever is in there.

They quickly figure out who it is because a flying monkey comes to attack them. Neal (Michael Raymond-James) screams like a little girl and jumps out of the way leaving Robin Hood’s (Sean Maguire) son out in the open. Luckily, Regina is there to cast the bad CGI into a stuffed animal and give it to the kid.

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Badass and adorable

A year later in Storybrooke, Emma, her parents and Hook (Colin O’Donoghue) are talking in Granny’s Inn trying to figure out what happened during the year nobody can remember because of the plot reset new curse. Charming asks Hook how he knew how to find Emma after he left them in the Enchanted Forest. Hook said a bird landed on his boat and told him everyone was in danger and he needed to find Emma. I wish I was kidding but that is all the explanation we are given.

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Seems legit

Everyone is trapped in Storybrooke again and to make matters worse people keep disappearing, which isn’t new for this show because it already has more characters than it can handle. But Neal is one of the missing people, so I am not going to complain. Charming said it is hard to keep track of everyone because they all can’t remember what happened or know if people got left behind in the Enchanted Forest. Emma said to get everyone’s memories back they need to figure out who took them.

Then this happened:

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Emma has taken Henry (Jared Gilmore) to meet Snow and Charming. She says they are old friends, but Snow slips and says they know Emma from Phoenix. Emma has told Henry she was only there for jail and Snow says she was Emma’s cellmate, because all of Snow’s badass powers must come from her long hair. Henry, who is a far more realistic 11-year-old now, is about to call bullshit on this whole thing but then everyone gets startled by someone dropping a glass. Henry looks at Regina like everyone else in this town that he has never met before. Regina looks like this:

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Lana Parrilla is the greatest part of this show

Emma is quick to Regina’s side and walks her to the back of the diner. Emma comforts her by saying Henry just doesn’t remember who she is. She tells Regina about the memory potion and that she is back to figure out what happened to everyone. Regina make sure she knows she didn’t cast the curse. Emma said the thought crossed her mind but Regina said she only uses curses to hurt other people. Emma says she is going to figure out who did this.

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So much SwanQueen this episode

Emma decides Regina was right and she can’t talk to everyone one-by-one so she calls a season one style town hall meeting. This is all those scenes from the promo of everyone demanding to know who cursed them. Leroy (Lee Arenberg) says it has to be Regina. Dr. Whale, Granny, Belle and Archie also chime in reasons why it has to be Regina. She points out that she does’t have Henry. Emma then says she isn’t getting anywhere near him. The hurt in Regina voices as she questions Emma for switching on her really had me convinced that the show was again ignoring Regina’s character arch and making her a villain again. And I was pissed.

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I will destroy your municipal building. ‘Murica

Regina almost makes the building collapse then poofs away. Emma tells everyone she will go find her. And Zelena is there. She also befriends Snow is Granny’s later, because Snow is that terrible in Storybrooke.

Anyway, back to why I really liked this episode. Emma goes into Regina’s office and says they fooled them. Holy crap, I was excited that the show faked making Regina a villain again and Emma and Regina are working together. Regina isn’t  able to make a memory potion so they just let everyone think they are about to make one to smoke out who cursed them.

Everyone in the Enchanted Forest has been doubting Regina and Emma isn’t there to tell her parents to back off. As a mediocre replacement, Robin Hood realizes Regina seemed upset when she insisted on going into the palace alone. He follows her through the tunnel telling her all of his exposition that we already know. Regina says that since she can never see Henry again, she has nothing to life for. She intends to make a sleeping potion to use on herself. Robin Hood tries to talk her out of it but he doesn’t know her that well and can’t.

Regina is going through a similar thing in Storybrooke, but Emma is there. They are in the yellow bug outside Regina’s office to see who comes and tries to rob it. Regina starts asking questions about Henry and they are both super cute talking about their son together. Emma said she almost didn’t come back because Henry really liked their life — which Regina them — in New York. They both agreed regular Henry would say a hero would come back.

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Quickie in the back seat?

Meanwhile, all the Merry Men dressed like L.L. Bean models are hunting in the woods when a flying monkey swoops down and picks up Little John. They chase after him until the monkey flies over the town line. Charming and Hook join them and they end up finding Little John in the wood. They take him to the hospital for his flying monkey bite and then he turns into a flying monkey because of course he does.

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The 1980s CGI is attacking!

Regina and Emma found Zelena in Regina’s office but she poofs away. She broke the blood magic lock that Regina had placed on the door. She also did that at Regina’s palace in the Enchanted Forest. None of this was an actual good twist. Zelena and Regina meet up with each other at the palace. She goes on about Rumple (Robert Carlyle) making Regina his prime student and Cora favoring Regina over her because no surprise they are half-sisters. Zelena says she is going to take everything away from Regina and then flies away. Regina doesn’t use the sleeping potion because Zelena gave her something: an enemy to destroy.

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A real villain!

At the end of the episode, Emma takes Regina to Mary Margaret’s apartment to meet Henry. She said it would be fine, but it ends up being painfully terrible.

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SwanQueen will fix the SwanQueen family.

Also, Zelena has Rumple locked in a cage. He doesn’t have magic and is full Dark One crazy, which will be fun to see.

This post was rather long, but this was a pretty good episode and I loved everything with Emma and Regina and their weird dynamic with Henry now. But, people are also being turned into flying monkeys and Robin Hood and Neal, possibly, are still running around. And for some reason a new character is being introduced next week. OUAT, do we really need Rapunzel? This show already has hundreds of characters and some we don’t even know where they are. Did Aurora and Phillip get pulled into Storybrooke? Is Mulan’s absence from the Merry Men going to be explained? Unless, Zelena did something to Rapunzel I don’t like her being added to the show even through she will help its lacking diversity.